Skillful means in conversations
In my recent online course “Happiness is a skill”, we discussed how to stay aligned with our wishes when we connect with friends, colleagues or family. How can we stay focused and easily redirect the atmosphere when difficulties, boredom or disharmonies arise. If you are interested, here comes my summary of some tools and principles we explored.
Before we begin, let me explain why I chose this topic to start my new coaching blog. I decided to start publishing short articles on how to become happier. It might inspire you to look deeper into how to actively achieve a joyful mindstate. There are many tools to become the master of your life. The more aware you are the better you can decide how to experience the world in every moment. Being able to for ex. gently but firmly navigate our day-to-day conversations with mindfulness, kindness, and clarity is a crucial base to start building upon. So let’s dive right in.
Do you sometimes imagine prior to a meeting or an important conversation, how it will play out? We all do. And of course, our hopes and wishes are all working out fine and we feel satisfied at the end of our imagined reality. Encouraged, we confidently enter the room... just to experience a totally different story.
What happened? What caused the difference between the imagined and reality?
Maybe we couldn’t anticipate the other person’s reactions and often from the first moment on, the whole conversation rallies down a completely different road than our mind anticipated. At the end, we are left frustrated or sad because our expectations were not fulfilled, or we just lost track and overview while reacting in the moment. Sounds familiar?
There are skills to learn on how we can follow up on our intention and not simply react to what comes.
SETTING INTENTION
Firstly, we actually need to have a clear intention. Without consciously formulating an intention upfront, we go to business meetings, barbecues, conferences, weddings only to end up surprised or even upset at how we did spend the last three hours.
Intention finding is easy, but you should make sure that your goal is clear and specific. Start by asking yourself: What should be the outcome of this meeting or conversation?
I wish to understand the motivation of the other one (ask a lot and listen)
I want the promotion (be attentive and take your chance to show yourself)
I wish to reconnect with my friend (try to show it to her, tell her what you feel and ask her in case for forgiveness?)
I want to say thank you (wait until the space opened up and the other person is ready to hear it)
I wish to inspire colleagues for a future project (share your vision and notice the reaction)
I wish to celebrate with my wonderful family (start with “small” common similarities and share something personal)
I want to learn how my partner sees a situation (ask and wait for the answer, listen, notice your feelings without reacting on them)
I want to change the world with you (be inspiring and dare to envision a better future)
Formulate your intention in an easy, simple and clear way. Bring it down to one sentence in your mind and come back to it when the conversation is going sideways, heading in all directions or if you feel lost or attacked. It will be your point of orientation when you get upset, bored, confused or if you risk losing your temper. Check-in with yourself, halt for a moment, breath consciously and remind yourself of what you actually wished to achieve during the conversation. Enjoy the clarity you get from your preformulated sentence. It will give you guidance on how to continue.
Your intention is like when a navigation app asks you, ”where do you wish to go?” and you answer with a street name. Shortly afterwards it proposes to you the best way to take to get there. Without a clear goal, there is no chance to arrive in any specific place. Unless your intention is just going with the flow, not necessarily arriving anywhere, e.g. “let’s just enjoy the landscape together” (which of course is pleasant and meaningful as well if this was your goal).
REGULATING ENERGY
Secondly, be aware of what kind of vibe or energy you wish for during your conversation. Harmony? Agreement? Good atmosphere? If so, then point out what unites all participants (e.g.our common past, your shared ideals, interests, and goals). Highlighting the sameness in everybody creates a good atmosphere and invites everyone to open up and trust each other. When you address your feeling state and how you perceive the feeling in the room, others will feel invited to do the same and your conversation will deepen.
If you want to bring more energy into a rather lame discussion, do the opposite. Bring up different points of views and stand for them. You will get attention and create a chance to show yourself as a clear thinker. Differences will bring life into the room, at the same time polarities or conflicts raise easily. Be careful not to overdo it. After a heated discussion, coming back to a shared vision might help not to drive people apart or leave as enemies. And to let others remember the discussion was lively but constructive.
OTHERS VS. MYSELF
Thirdly, think more of the other person(s) than of yourself. If you focus on the needs and positive sides of the others your heart has a chance to express itself and good energy will rise among all people involved. Look what would make their life easier. Ask if they would like tea or coffee. Offer them a good seat, give them space and invite them to speak. Every voice is important. And then listen to what they have to say! That is an art in itself. And a rare gift we can offer.
One thought might come up now. Isn’t that all a bit artificial to make such conscious choices to steer our conversations? If your intention is good and clear and includes the benefit of everybody, I believe it is not. If you wish to benefit others, it doesn’t matter how you achieve it, what matters is the result. Wouldn’t it be nice to drive home after having spent Christmas with the family without being frustrated as every year? To hug a friend and feel that the apology entered her heart and not only her ears? To receive the promotion? To integrate a new perspective?
Just try it out in informal settings, make little interventions, try to spread good energy by pointing out sameness and observe how people react. Enjoy!
FURTHER READING
If you’d like to read more about skillfully work with differences in conversations, have a look:
Diane Musho Hamilton: The Zen of You & Me, Shambhala, Boulder 2017