Ego is tricky.

Image created with words of this text by the author and Midjourney AI ©CatyHartung

What is ego-killing? How can your ego ever dissolve being in a body?

My master was pens, noisy pens sorted at 5 in the morning. I truly disliked this moment when I finally slept, and suddenly, from nowhere, an undefined rustling of pens appeared in my subconsciousness. As the sound roused, I knew turning around wouldn’t help; soon, my partner would ask if I had seen the one pen he liked so much.

As I supported him as an author who cleared his mind by sorting pens at dawn, I wanted to find the little spot in me that considered that behavior charming. As we all know, I couldn’t change him; I only could change my way of reacting.

I used various strategies, including earplugs, putting the pen on the desk before sleeping, deep breathing, saying mantras, and pretending I was still sleeping. Nothing would help. My not understanding, my blaming, my anger, and my disbelief would show up again and again. I observed the rising emotion, tried to catch it, wanted to scream: impossible, stop it. And got up, found the pen, and uttered, “Here you go”.

I knew that I had to learn something. It was ME reacting, ME not being able to sleep afterward because of all the negative thoughts long after the situation was gone. And more than anything, I wanted to learn to be content and undisturbed in any life situation, even after only 3 hours of sleep. Is there ever a point in getting upset?

After another hundred times — others would call it slight torture — I woke up one day to the beautiful voice of my partner asking for his pen. And I got up, caressed his hair, and said. “Here you are, my love,” I returned to bed and continued sleeping as if nothing had happened.

My ego had given up on fighting the situation; my Ego was beaten with awareness, meditation, letting go, understanding, compassion, and love. Amazing.

Was it killed? Today, you can still wake me at impossible times without any reaction or disturbing emotion. That would count.

Looking deeper, however, I see that my ego came around the corner and might have played me again. There is this slight pride coming up telling the story here. Ego is tricky.

Champagne for the Mind #68 — February 7, 2024