Integral Coaching: Creating a Lasting Change In Your Life

To do so, you might want to seek out an Integral Coach as in my experience, one of the best ways is to work one-on-one with a kind and open-minded person who accompanies you through the process. You want to know why?

This is the 1st part of my article series on the unique Integral Coaching tools that make this coaching method so effective.

There’s no shortage of information on all aspects of self-development online—breaking bad habits and building good ones, loosing weight, improving physique, boosting self-confidence, getting rid of anxieties, improving our relationships and sex life—you name it, you can find a way to do it online. If you can separate quality material from click-bait articles and magic-pill results-guaranteed courses, you have unprecedented access to professional knowledge on how to change like never before. Still, in my experience, there are limits to what you can do alone that results in a sustained long-term positive change. 

Let me explain.

Many of my coaching clients come to me feeling stuck in their way of behaving, resisting change even though they strongly wish for it. No matter what they try to do, once triggered, they slip back into their behavioral patterns. They even often clearly name them—“I am not able to share my feelings”, “I hide behind others’ opinions”, “I am shouting more and more at my kids”, “I am losing my partner due to my perfectionism”, “I want to be more happy”, “I am too controlling”, etc. These are very intelligent proactive people, who often suffer and understand the need for change. They read books and talk to friends and peers trying to follow their advice before finally deciding to reach out for professional help. More often than not in a situation when the outer pressure reaches a point of no return like a threat of losing their job or partner. 

 Why is that? Why can’t we just change when we wish it for ourselves? What stands in our way?  

Your view and perspective of yourself and the world around you form you and your behavior in profound ways. They create your personal unique style of expression and interaction with your surroundings, they shape the way you think and perceive people and situations; they influence how you act and talk, and color the way you feel. When something goes differently than we wish, usually, we have a tendency to first question the world around us—the people we interact with, our circumstances, the boss, the politics—rather than looking at ourselves which reinforces us to continue to behave in the same way and not change. Only when our inner and outer worlds are confronted with friction and problems do we wake up for a short time and look for new solutions. As our whole system naturally wishes for harmony, happiness, and peace, and tries to avoid suffering, the chance for a real change opens up. However, analyzing why you are in this uncomfortable situation might be hard to do as you can’t judge clearly what brought you to this situation.

This is where integral coaching comes in. In a moment you’ll see how. 

The Integral Coaching Mirror

The reason for this imbalance between our outer and inner worlds is that we can’t perceive ourselves and our behaviors fully objectively. Given our inner life, emotions, experiences, and forgotten traumas, we simply can’t look at ourselves from the outside, as we would observe an object. We are trapped by the situation we are in. We perceive with our own way of looking and judging it.  

To really change we need to become aware of our unique way of being—our beliefs, ideals, behavioral patterns, experiences, dreams — that form how we perceive the world, make sense of it and consequently how we behave in it. To do that in a conscious way, will bring you closer to your ideal self. An Integral Coach helps you to look at yourself from two distinct perspectives - outer and inner:

• outer perspective, i.e. looking at your way of being from the outside like a good friend would do. 

• Inner perspective, i.e. exploring your inner world which only you have access to. Nobody knows your feelings, wishes, views and thoughts unless you share them.  With guided questions it is far easier to understand your inner ways of looking into  the world and to express your aspirations and desired goals.
  
  

If you wish to develop certain parts of your life, you will be better off with a mirror of you. One of the tools in Integral Coaching to accomplish this is to become a practitioner of self-reflection by journaling. Together with the support of an Integral Coach who sees you through YOUR eyes and can reflect at the same time the outer picture of your behavior back to you like a mirror, you are able to slowly see your unique self.  In this way change is achievable. 

A compassionate guide, your Integral Coach, will help you understand nuances that perhaps you cannot see alone. They also give you the time and the space to look at yourself in great detail. Together you might be able to be more honest, examine corners you normally don’t like to look at, see previously hidden aspects and follow step by step your inner aims. Working with this type of coach can allow you to dare  to face your fears and insecurities. You might even realise that you still react unconsciously to a pattern acquired when you were a child. After consciously trying new behaviours in similar situations, you gain new confidence and are able to let go of old patterns and integrate your findings into your new you. 

Let me give you an example. One client of mine insisted on the house and garden to be always impeccable, down to the smallest detail. In his eyes, this was an ideal state of being. However, he didn’t notice the tension around him to achieve and keep this state of “perfection”. Slowly, over several sessions we found out why he felt safe in a perfect surrounding. Uncovering his hidden fears of not being accepted without perfection, he gradually learned to relax, to open up to other values, and even started seeing the beauty in imperfection. He thus discovered and integrated aspects he could not see before from his own insight. Once the work was done, he relaxed. His perception of the world changed permanently to a new level and he is more at ease and happy in his life.

Two more perspectives 

As mentioned above, in Integral Coaching we first analyze how you experience the world in connection with your topic from the inside, and what others can perceive from the outside. We don’t stop there. We also look at the way you connect with others, the way you are connected with your surroundings, systems and methods around you. These four perspectives are usually referred to as the Four Quadrants of Ken Wilber. At the beginning of any Integral Coaching program, the coach identifies which quadrant is your strength,  and in which one you need support in regard to your topic. When you wish to change, you enlarge your world of experiences together with your coach, you build new “muscles” to grow and develop into your new way of being.  

One of my clients was very attentive and aware of her own growth process. She looked at herself, at her outer and inner world. She had contact with nature and knew which systems and values support her in her life. She was very conscious, with a deep wish to be a good person.  Despite all that, her ability to see the perspective of others in difficult situations was lacking and was affecting her partner relationship to the point of breaking up. Only after realising her blind spot and her resistance to let other perspectives irritate herself, she found ways to actively turn towards the other person. She started methodically investigating what others might need and how they might feel. Slowly, her heart opened up and her compassion started to grow naturally. Having integrated the feelings, views and perspectives of others, she became a much more empathetic partner and her relationship flourished again. 

Leveling up

When we include and honor the good of our Current Way of Being and open up and integrate new perspectives, we can transcend into a New Way of Being. This way, our change process becomes persistent and our newly acquired abilities become a natural part of us. In the weeks to follow,  I will shed light on more lenses an Integral Coach uses to understand their client. Thus he can be an inspiring partner in her desired change process.