I need a break. Time for myself. Have you ever thought of making a retreat?
Have you ever considered taking time to look deeper into your way of being? To be secluded just with yourself? “Me-time”. Is that idea scary? Yes, sometimes. Often it is the most important thing we can do: creating space when things get tight, seeing situations from above, and being able to again breathe in our own rhythm —sleeping alone, clearing our head, giving our inner wisdom a chance to show up. For whatever reason you need space for yourself, it might be wise to prepare it a bit so that your time-out fulfills its meaning.
When Buddhists wish to go deeper in their meditation practice, they go into “retreat,” which is recommended if one is psychologically stable and has a teacher who guides them.
My idea of a non-Buddhist “retreat” is staying in a place without outside distractions, like seeing people, working with devices, or having zoom calls, for at least one and a half-day. Ideally, you would arrive the evening before, begin the following day with your full retreat day, and finish after lunch on the next day, so that you have a total of 48-hours for your retreat. Of course, the content depends on your preferences. Whatever will slow you down, helps you to focus on yourself, and gives you time for reflection is good.
As one of my clients had the wish to make “a painting retreat” but had no frame on how to do it, I gave her some guidelines:
Set your intention.
What is the purpose of your retreat? Relax? Meditate? Paint? Get to know yourself better? Make a decision? Connect with nature? Connect with your body? Install a new habit? Enjoy the freedom? Best, write your thoughts down. Get clearer while writing why this wish manifested in you. Then, when you reread it, try to formulate your intention into one sentence, which will guide you during your retreat.
Arrange your physical space.
Be in pleasant surroundings. Suppose you can go somewhere in nature or adapt your flat to its new function if you live alone. Make it beautiful. Buy flowers. If you tend to be a workaholic, close your office, or at least put a nice piece of cloth over your computer. If you like to meditate: Set the place with a cushion, blanket, maybe a picture, candle in front of you, and a place for your tea. Create the space so that you feel comfortable. You want it to be a space that motivates you to sit down. If you see something beautiful like a Buddha statue or something vast like the sky, it will support you when you open your eyes. If you would like to do yoga or paint during your retreat, arrange your place accordingly. And under all circumstances don’t forget your warm socks.
My improvised meditation place during a retreat
Organize yourself.
Buy a journal to remember your insights and to let go of your thoughts. Write by hand. If you need to cook for yourself, organize your food upfront to avoid going shopping. Make it relatively simple. If you stay in a hotel, order your food to the room. One of the goals is to interact with as few people as possible during your retreat, best with nobody, so that you can focus for once entirely on yourself.
Create your daily schedule.
What do you wish to do? How often? What should your day look like? It helps define your day by hours (including those not defined by a specific activity). For example, suppose you wish to have a painting retreat. Define how many sessions you want to paint. Fix your mealtimes and stick to them. In general, you should respect the beginning times of your fixed schedule; otherwise, procrastination has an easy way to sabotage your retreat. It’s best to stick to that schedule day by day. Begin relatively easy and create short sessions. You can always prolong them later. For example, a classical meditation retreat consists of 4 meditation sessions. Their lengths are up to the level and wish of the practitioner. (See my retreat schedule as an option.)
Plan your leisure time upfront.
Take time to choose the right books. Take one book you never had time for, a book you always wanted to read, or one which supports you in your activity and be sure to choose well. It should be a real treat at the end of your day or in your relaxing times, well-being, and a real inspiration for your mind.
Decide on your physical activities.
Commit to a daily walk, yoga, etc. If your schedule is too loose, you might lose direction. If it is too tight, you might not get the space to go deeper.
In a classical retreat, you wake up with the sun and go to bed around 10 pm. Your dreams might increase that way. And deeper sleep is guaranteed with an early bedtime.
Get clear on who is part of your retreat.
With whom do you need to have contact? With whom do you absolutely wish to talk during your retreat? Who might help you in moments of possible crisis? If you have decided to be silent and have a hard time, go back to the intention you wrote down (point 1) and remind yourself why you are making this retreat.
Diverse thoughts and feelings will show up.
Biggest joys, happiness, satisfaction, and peace might accompany you as well as unpleasant feelings, thoughts and confusion. Fears might show themselves in different forms. In that case, ask yourself honestly what I am afraid of? Stay there for a bit longer. Then ask again: What am I afraid of? You can learn a lot here. The good news: all feelings are impermanent. You can be sure about it. Your journal will be your best friend in these moments. If doubt arises why you are doing this, just stick to your schedule and see what you think about it at the end of your retreat.
Be aware of what you wish not to do.
Are you able to be without your phone? If yes, great. If not, fix one time per day to open your phone and have it on flight mode for the rest of the day.
Surely you should be without alcohol, TV, time-filling activities like gaming, watching movies, social media, or whatever apps you feel typically attracted to. “Satisfying” activities like cleaning, clearing your clusters, listening to podcasts will surely appear in your mind. Don’t follow the temptation. Be aware that it is more about letting go of certain habits and noticing their usual impact on you. By not following these activities, you will gain the space you need to follow your intention and wishes for these days.
With what activity would you usually distract yourself? What habits let in the daily noise? What are you avoiding looking at? Write the observations into your journal. Be open to discovering yourself. If you procrastinate a lot, stay put to your schedule.
Prepare your people.
Let your family, friends, and colleagues know that you are making a retreat for a few days. You can also frame it as you are unavailable or on holiday with yourself. If you let the people around you know that you are going for a retreat, it helps clear the path, so no one is worried about you.
Set a clear beginning and end to your retreat.
Invent a small ritual for it. Classically one wishes at the beginning for a smooth and successful retreat while honoring the surroundings with flowers, candles, etc. You might light a candle and repeat your intention inwardly or just see what arises if you give the beginning a moment. At the end of your retreat, take the time to reflect on your days, insights, dreams, and experiences. Let thankfulness guide you, and take a moment to write down your final insights. Mark the end with a small ritual, and after that, you can step into your everyday life.
Consider some transition time after your retreat.
You might see the world differently and be more sensible or sensitive after your Me-time. Be aware that the people you meet haven’t shared your experiences. Take it slow, listen, hold your newfound awareness to notice what to get rid of and what new habits you’d like to keep. Share your insights with your best friends. When your insights are spoken out loud, they become a bit more real and stick with you longer. However, it’s far better not to share what you plan to change now, you better keep the energy for your new resolutions inside you and manifest the change over time.
These are a lot of points to unpack. They are meant to inspire you to think about your retreat upfront, to create a reliable container that will hold you during your new experience. Nothing is written in stone, and you will find your own way and rhythm over time.
Resistance in all kinds of costumes will show up. Remember: Resistance is part of the change process. We like our old habits, whether they be healthy or unhealthy. During the retreat, you gain awareness about them. The clearer you are about what you do and how you do it, the easier you will go through the challenges. The frame will guide you together with your intention and writings.
When my father passed away, I was only 20, I suffered deeply and cried whenever I was reminded of my beloved father. Finally, I wished to understand and integrate his death more wholly into my life. So, I went into my first 10-day Buddhist retreat and meditated on a specific Buddha Form. I had ten full days to say goodbye, take time for my memories, express my thankfulness and understand the impermanence of all beings and that we all have to die and will lose others. I was able then to slowly let go. The wonderful thing is that, now, 30 years later, he still shows up in my thoughts and lives in my heart, however lightly, and instead of tears, I have a smile on my face.
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One of my couple friends started to take one weekend a month Me-time. Their reunion on Sunday evening always happens consciously in a restaurant to share what happened in their different worlds. Since they have started to do this, they feel more connected and attracted to each other again.
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An exhausted mother decided she needed some time for herself. The whole family supported her wish to find more inner balance and strength. Today, the kids enjoy their “fathers day”. Wanting the best for his wife, the husband took the challenge and became closer to her and his kids. She comes back home refreshed, thankful, and ready for the coming week. Everybody won.
Try it out, be kind to yourself, be guided by the framing above, and gain stability from within. For the rest - your journaling will do. And no need to be too ambitious or too hard on yourself. It is far better to end the retreat by wishing to come back soon.
I would have never become a coach without my many retreats. There I found my voice, my purpose to be able to help others to become happier.
ENJOY!